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Cool Kat
Cool Cat garnered quite a fair bit of attention for his recent deeds. He stopped a bully from bringing a gun onto school campus, won $100 from a writing contest and won class presidency! Everyone loves Cool Cat and Cool Cat loves everyone! “I’m bored.” Cool Cat said aloud while staring at clouds in the backyard. Neither a nap nor exercises managed to overcome his melancholy. “How can I help the kids if I have already saved them? Butch is in jail and everyone is happy!” The existential dilemma tormented his very core. “But I’m not happy… Why?” Daddy Derek opened the backdoor with unexpected guests. “Hey, Cool Cat! The police sent over someone to ask you to help!” One of the figures was an adult male with a slight beard and sunglasses. The other was Butch the Bully in a prison jumpsuit along with a Hannibal Lecter mask and a leash. “Don’t worry about Butch.” Derek reassured. “Officer Bert Macklin, FBI, has him under control.” “That is correct. The FBI became involved once Butch stole candy from babies. We would have never caught him if it hadn’t been for you, Cool Cat. That is why my superiors have entrusted you with making sure he never does anything bad ever again.” He lowered his glasses momentarily. “You can even use karate.” “WOW, this is such a great opportunity, Mr. FBI Agent! Are you telling me that it is my patriotic duty to make Butch learn about friendship?” “That’s a solid 5150, Cool Cat. Butch was briefly America’s most wanted fugitive. In exchange for your help, the President will personally give you $600!” Cool Cat began dancing. He barely fathomed the idea of $600! “Golly, I didn’t know that the President had that much money!” “I’ll take that as a yes.” Bert handed over Butch’s leash to Cool Cat. “I’ve already informed Butch that he must earn privileges. Until he learns to behave, the mask must remain on.” He glared at the bully. “Attempted removal will be extremely painful… for you.” “Thanks, Agent Macklin! I’ll take good care of him!” Bert and Derek walked away to do boring adult stuff. Cool Cat was left to decide the fate of his former tormentor. “Why do you have to be so mean, Butch?” Butch spoke in a distorted voice. “No one cared who I was until I became a bully.” A single tear appeared. “My mom said that she didn’t love me and my dad is never around. They didn’t even visit me in prison!” “Do you see what happens when you don’t have friends?” Cool Cat’s jump in logic was flawless. “Your parents are bullies, which is why they were never you’re friends! I know! I’ll be your new dad! It will be fun!” “You can’t be my dad! You’re just a stupid cat!” Old habits die hard. “I don’t even know why I’m here!” “You’re here because you broke the law and hurt the other kids!” Cool Cat showed the attached leash to Butch. “If you’re going to act like a dog, I’ll treat you as a bad one!” Daddy Derek returned moments later. Surprisingly, he didn’t question Cool Cat’s actions. “Maria arrived unexpectedly. Do you and Butch want to watch cartoons with her?” “I love spending time with my friends! Now Butch will be able to see what true friendship is!” Cool Cat pulled hard on the leash as he skipped to the living room. “I’d let you skip along with me if you weren’t so bad, Butch.” The prisoner remained silent. “It’s so great to see…” Maria gasped upon noticing Butch. “I thought he was in jail. Why do you have him in that costume?” “I’m going to make Butch learn how to be friendly! If I do a good job, the President will give me $600! We could hold a party for the whole school!” “That sounds great! Do you want to watch Steven Universe?” Maria took a seat in Daddy Derek’s chair. “I love cartoons almost as much as I love the kids!” Cool Cat shoved Butch onto the couch and tied the leash to the underside. The heavy couch would keep the troublesome bully in place. “All set, Maria!” Cool Cat and Maria watched intently for two hours without even a slight peep. Butch fell asleep mumbling about not wanting to watch a ‘baby show’. “Wow, those Crystal Gems sure are great friends!” Cool Cat exclaimed. “Did you like it, Butch?” Butch let out a snore. “Grrrr! How can we teach Butch to not bully?” “I wish that real life was like cartoons.” Maria noticed the similarities. “If Peridot can learn the value of friendship, then anyone can.” “That’s it, Maria! We could use our imaginations! Something will happen if we wish REALLY hard!” Cool Cat and Maria closed their eyes hoping to increase their concentration. “We wish that Butch would learn about friendship just like Peridot!” The unseen dark forces intervened. Butch’s body provided adequate energy reserves for such a metamorphosis. Flesh and bone turned became a mix of magnesium, iron and other trace elements. The mask and jumpsuit obscured the immediate effect of petrifaction. He awoke as the flesh discolored into a greenish hue. Attempts to scream only accelerated the process. He fell forward towards the floor; breaking the stomach on impact. His fragile arms and legs vibrated violent before they shattered as well. The accursed dog leash kept his neck and head from crashing. Is this what it feels like to be bullied? Stuck in a state of suspense and fear? Butch was to blame for perpetuating his isolation through repeated attempts to drive others away. Maybe it was time to give friendship a try. The cracks continued to travel across his drastically altered form. He would have made fun of the green-tinted creature under different circumstances. His blonde hair hardened into a superficial detail that resembles an enlarged Dorito chip. The hard ‘Dorito edges’ destroy the mask’s straps. “FREEDOM!” The change of voice made the development bittersweet. “Why do I sound like a nerd?” That personality didn’t work at all for Peridot. Fortunately, the conversion of brain matter into olivine was merciless. Skin around the forehead was weak enough for a peridot gem from the brain to pierce through. The last remaining organic tissue on the face formed a plate glass resembling a visor. Cool Cat opened his eyes for the first glimpse of their ‘friend’. “Maria! Look! Something happened to Butch! He’s Peridot now!” Maria ran out of the room to tell her parents and teachers. Peridot struggled to exit her gigantic fabric prison. Something had trapped her in this humiliating position during regeneration. “Let me go, clod! Where are my limb enhancers?” “It doesn’t feel nice being bullied, Butch. I hope you’ve seen the error of your ways! I wish you were Butch the Friend!” “What are you talking about, filthy fur beast? Is Butch something you want? WELL, YOU CAN’T.” “It isn’t nice to say such mean things to your friends! You’re still a bully!” “I am not!” Cool Cat realized that arguing would make him the bully. Maybe Peridot had turned over the leaf that Butch the Bully never could. “Alright, I’ll take your word for it! I’m Cool Cat and I love ALL the kids!” Cool Cat decided to give Peridot the benefit of the doubt for now. “Promise me that you’ll only do nice things now!” “I’ll do anything to get me out of this ridiculous contraption.” Cool Cat undid the restraints. “FOOL! NOW I CAN RUN FREE AGAIN!” Peridot’s form finally embraced the floor entirely. Undeterred, she scurried towards the open front door. Maria must had left it open in her panic! Cool Cat chased the misunderstood friend into the driveway using his super speed that Lee Majors taught him. “Stop, Peridot! This isn’t safe! Cars are dangerous!” Alas, even the full power of Cool Cat couldn’t keep up with Peridot. She jumped onto the back of a car heading out of the suburbs. “NO! This is terrible!” When all hope seemed lost, another celebrity intervened to aid Cool Cat. A black 1970’s Pontiac Firebird pulled up to the Cat residence. The driver adjusted his cowboy hat to reveal he was none other than the living legend Burt Reynolds. “It seems that you have a long way to go and a short time to get there.” He revved the engine. “Get in.” “Thanks, Burt Reynolds!” Cool Cat ran to the passenger’s side of the car. “I never expected to bump into you here!” He hopped in and buckled his seatbelt. “I’m acting as the blocker for a rig bringing…” Burt caught himself. “fruit juice to a party in Beverly Hills.” Performing a peel out distracted Cool Cat enough to stop the line of questioning. Burt chased after the car within the speed limit of the residential area. “No! They’re getting away!” Cool Cat lamented. “Not if I have anything to say about it.” Burt grabbed the CB radio. “This is Bandit asking all available drivers on this frequency for assistance. The cat needs help finding a bag!” The effects of the alert became apparente immediately as cars blocked off all of the roads other than the fastest way to the freeway onramp. “We’ll get your green friend, Cool Cat.” “What is wrong with this transport?” Peridot screamed frustrated. “Nothing I do influences its trajectory!” Four big rigs surrounded the vehicle. “Are these brutes meant to intimidate me?” “Who are they, Burt?” Cool Cat never expected so much help catching the rogue friend. “Oh, they’re just Mad Max, John Cena, Vin Diesel and Optimus Prime.” Burt chuckled. The red and blue semi moved in front of the speeding vehicle. “Cool Cat needs our help!” Its trailer vanished into subspace just as the truck changed into a robot. The car stripped its brakes trying to stop in front of Optimus Prime. He grabbed Peridot by the Dorito hair. “Being a friend of Cool Cat is the right of all sentient beings.” Burt bled the Firebird’s speed enough for Optimus to throw the gem into passenger’s roof opening. Peridot was in awe of how much power Cool Cat had asserted. Was he a Great Cool Cat Authority? “This was all a misunderstanding! I swear!” Peridot pleaded. “I forgive you, Peridot! That’s what friends do!” Cool Cat hugged the fidgeting Peridot. “It’s that simple? Yes, I want this ‘friend’ title.” Peridot conceded. Burt Reynolds checked the dashboard clock. “Look at that, we’re ahead of schedule. I can drop you off anywhere between here and my last stop.” “Let’s go to the party! Wait… How will I tell Bert Macklin about Peridot?” Cool Cat’s smile and optimism left. “The party was meant to be a surprise, but what the heck? I’m sure that all of your concerns will be addressed shortly.” Burt pulled off on the next exit. Eventually, they arrived at an auditorium with a pair of limousines outside. Men in black suits were around all of the entrances into the building. “Don’t spend all of that money in one place, Cool Cat.” Cool Cat and Peridot made their way to the auditorium with little idea of what to expect. The black suits let them in unquestionably. How could this be? President Barack Obama and Donald Trump were in the same building? “You did a great job helping the kids, Cool Cat. You’re making America great again.” Donald Trump cheered. “In celebration of your achievement, the President and I put aside our differences for the day.” “He is correct, Cool Cat. In addition to the $600, Mr. Trump will give you a small loan to help spread your message of love around the world.” President Obama handed a check to Cool Cat. “Thanks, Mr. President and Mr. Trump! However, my real reward was making a new friend!” Category:BCP Category:Pastas Category:Troll pasta